The Proposal...

As she lays confused about the conflicting emotions,
She takes her phone, clutching on to it,
As if her life depends on the Picture she sees
She starts kissing the phone, unable to reach beyond,
A far away expression mixed with longing etched on her face!
For it is HIM, who is the reason for her happiness!

She is torn by the war raging on her mind.
Too attached to her parents, to go against them
Unable to forget the proposal
Not once, not twice, HE did it again and again.

HE knows, she knows, the end is nearing,
Neither can they believe, nor accept the path of their destiny
Is it sheer stupidity or the love blinding them?
Is there a difference? She asks herself softly.
Only to hear herself crying inside.

Amidst the happiness, there is sadness
Sadness cos both know the Proposal aint enough
Sadness cos she hurts for him and he for her
Sadness cos she is deeply in Love
Sadness cos she said NO!

Apology to my loved ones!

Pain says give me more!
Heart never learns; a gazillion mistakes;
The story of my life!

As I gaze deep into myself
All I can see are the flaws and some more,
The realization brings in another painful stroke
Of the days bygone, by numerous fights
With friends and foes alike ;
Am I really fit enough to go on?

All I do is give back pain
From the people who shower their love
What a worthless life I lead?
Totally ashamed and embarrassed
To realize my true self!

Life will go on, but the mistakes haunt!
I realize with a coldness in my heart
Apologies are for people who learn
But do I ?

With the physical pain taunting my existence
Of the organ corrupted
I feel bad about the numerous times
I tried to give up on my life!
Resulting in sheer physical pain!
Who do I apologize to?
Myself for being the biggest idiot?

The people for whom I could have died for
Are long gone, leaving me with the pain;
Now I am scared to accept the physical flaw!

Was it something wrong with me all along?
I cry a river inside! Knowing the answer
But never having the guts to accept it
Coward is what I am today!

This is for the people who love me
For my flaws, for the child inside me
A million apologies for the hurt and pain
Caused by this reckless mind!
Even if I am not with you
Remember that I always loved you!


I have no clue why am apologizing for! I am just a little disturbed and wrote crap ! :|

A desperate plea ! :P

Let me free, let me spread my wings
Let me fly high, let me fall deep;
Then gather me up, and show your care
Show me your love, like I never flew.
But gimme a chance to fly!

Let me talk, Let me ramble,
Let me till am exhausted, then
Lend me your shoulder to cry
Hug me, kiss me, soothe me
Tell me things will be fine.
Assure me, love me
For am lonely and scared
Confused and withering!

Teach me to talk, teach me to walk
Teach me all simple things
Confess your love as you do!
Make me feel lively, make me a kid again
Pamper me, for am all vulnerable;


Make me melt at your care,
Make me crave for more,
Keep showering unconditionally
I need the love, I need the care
For what you offer is not suffice
For all the hurts of the past!

Get me out of my shell, slowly
Talk to me, tell me how good I am
Tell me how worthy I am; as you,
Confess your love for eternity.


As I am in deep thoughts
Gazing through you, at my past
As the pain of the lost freezes me
Hold me, and sense the pain
The hurt of a broken soul,
Let the hands heal me,
For words cannot soothe the scars!

There is a long way to go
Promise to stay by me;
Promise to heal me;
Promise to love me forever
Promise to make me special!

And then I shall swear to love you
Until death does us apart!

Betrayal!

Love is but a misery,
Yet knowingly the heart ventured
Ready to strip the soul
Defenseless dedication and adoration
Etched in every nerve for you,
Yet you never seem to notice!

When I needed Protection,
When I craved for shelter,
When I wanted to disintegrate,
From myself and the world,
You promised hope, you promised love,
Of a future which mocks me now.
And a lonely lost woman was born.

She created a castle in her paradise island,
Where love conquers but never destroys,
The struggle, the pain, the hardship,
Seemed all worthy,
As I watched through the eyes of
The lonely and lost woman in the castle.

It shook me to see your negligence,
You never seemed interested enough to care,
You were in your own world,
Throwing bits and pieces once in a while
You took her for granted,
When all she wanted was YOU!

But did her hope extinguish?
It only forced her to live in dreams,
For it was less painful and cherishable
She continued to strive against the odds!

Till one fine day, you walked in,
And broke the castle, little knowing
That you broke the only resident
The lonely lost woman
Along with her castle and dreams!

As she looks with sad eyes,
Filled with tears and regret,
Her pride refuses to call out to you!!
She endures the suffering, as she
Is broken apart along with the castle.

Did you stop to care?
Did you ever realize , what you have done?
As she tried to mask her fears,
As she struggles to survive
She smiles for the world,
While sobbing deep inside her.
She laughs, she talks, she breathes
With an enormous effort
Fearing the fakeness creeping inside!
Why did you have to rip her apart?
And then turn away, like it never mattered?

Did she not deserve some Care?
Did here eyes not plead with you?
How could you be so rude?
How could you kill her?

As you happily march past her,
She sits and watches with a longing
That can never EVER bring her back.

Thanks for the Betrayal!

Dead Inside!

I am broken and lost!
I went on for years, without breaking apart
Belling my inward cowardice;
Fear of rejection, fear of failure
Made me mould my mask
Smoothening till perfection
A clone was born to taunt me;

Clone but well trained
Laughed when I cried inside
Soothed and consoled souls aplenty
While I am dying away inside
Creating an identity
While overshadowing mine!

Life seemed easier;
As people started preferring the clone
Over the shattered soul.
The mask tightened over myself
Burying me deeper

I cried out for release
I cried out for my soul
As days passed by
I became feeble and weak
My elastic limit stretched
I lay motionless, and incapable
As the clone was conquering

Now as love turns into misery,
The clone drifts far away. and
Amidst the rage of emotions
Tearing me apart, I try to
Peek a little at my dry life
Only to realize
Am dead inside!

A joyous hearts somersault!

A lonely phase, a lull in my heart,
Broken ties, severed relationships
Betrayal of mortals and immortals alike;
Hardening my shell, constricting me!

Finally a scorch of heat, a spring of joy;
On the hardest terrain; My heart.
A hope of a budding Friendship
Genuine and one in reality!
Makes me confused and ponder,
About the world I revolve around
The safe illusional Virtual bubble!
Can reality peek in? Amidst the coldness?

I let my heart go fonder,
Because of the striking similarities,
the paths we crossed were identical,
The pain of life’s tragedy faced? Miserable!
The sharing to lessen it? Memorable!
Similar thoughts, similar attitudes
From Arrogance to Atheism!

The Mind did not hear the warning bells
The bonding well reciprocated, yells my soul!
Till tragedy struck in a full blow,
Just as the hope swelled,
Turbulence of emotions engulfing me
Distraught, Despair, Betrayal! Yet again?
Unable to react, dumbfounded
Yet the silly heart yearns for the friendship!

As the fear overrides me, I am forced to face the reality,
Pushed into the corner, lonely and lost;
I hear myself shattering, as you see through me
Like we never shared, liked I never exist
The coldness in you, the indifference in you,
Makes my dreadful past surface
With all the pain n misery, eating me alive!

As I gather up myself, to face you yet again
I fear for the coldness, I fear for myself
As fear transforms to anticipation;
And excitement turns to reality,
Sighing at the way Life taunts,
I gather up my wits to face
Yet another cold mundane day
But something entraps my attention
Jerking me to reality, When am far lost in Illusion
The bitter realization of the lost friendship
My body shudders as I Give in my last attempt;
I smile, and I actually see you responding,
O dear god! Am I hallucinating?


The blame game, the anger, the frustration,
Was it really worth the pain?
As we fight, I grin and some more
For gaining the lost! As I ask myself,
Was this melodrama for realization?
Or a brief stint of my Pain dosage for the day?
We are still fighting, blaming and accusing,
My grin is sheepish and I just can’t stop!

Let the awkward pauses fade,
Lets act as if nothing went wrong,
Return me to my Safe Reality bubble
And for once its TRUE ,creating

Multitude of happy tides,
Numerous reasons to smile
Pure joy etched in my heart,
I am happy to be alive!
Because of you my dear Friend!

Goody Bye HOUSE !!

For all those who supported me during my sad phase during my previous post,and all of you who read my blog, am first dedicating this bouquet of Violets. Thank you so much for brightening my life and being with me though my lows and highs. You people , each one of you who read, comment on my blog and talk with me, all the ILMBF gurls, and all my friends enrich my sad life. No words can express my gratitude.



And Yeah! finally the day has come when I am going to leave this home and move to another place. Its like a mix of emotions in my already troubled mind. I feel happy cos this might make a huge change in my life. and another part saddens me to leave this place which was so unlucky in regards with my dads death but still is filled with his memories in every nook and corner. I still am packing and also blogging cos this will be my last post from this house, so am making sure I am filling both my blogs :D

Maybe this is the change I want after all, maybe this is my first step to leave behind the bad memories and start afresh. I like few things about the new house, itz damn close to the beach, so I can walk in the beach everyday :) and also because I have a gang of my crazy college guys there . I hadn't realized till now, how close they were to me. Now we are re bonding big time and am sure those guys will make me more than happy. This is going to bring me back into the Friends circle close to me.

Secondly I know I have to reduce weight, so am going to join something or the other to loose weight.(Not to forget the beach walks or cycling WOW! :D) So the new house will already anticipate two major changes in my life. Hope lots more are there in store for me , like a new guy maybe LOL . My mom is going to start looking seriously, so wish me luck people. I don't want a creep again LOL !


Will meet all you guys and my gracious followers LOL from my new HOME . and my mom has started yelling, got to pack people so Sayanora for now !!

Love

Seno :)

shattered :'(

O dearest daddy,
words cant express how much
I am missing you right now.
I don't know what am doing,
I don't know why am blogging.
all I know is am dead inside.

I am cranky, moody and sad,
if only you were near me,
If only I could hear you speak,
If only I could feel your presence,
O my! what a Life am I leading?


why cant i feel happiness?
why do i feel so numb?
what did I ever do so bad?
for the pain that pierces me!
am shattered ,
I miss you like crazy!

Why me? why me? why me?
why did you leave me?
to know what this f*ked up life is all about?
I have learnt enough,
I have ached enough
come and show me how to be gay
I have lost hope in everything
the future seems bleak
I have no one to my aid,
O daddy dearest I love you!

I have had enough,
I lost you,
I lost my relationship,
I lost my happy family,
I have lost faith in myself!
Oh please take me away from my miseries,
take me away from this pain..

Happy birthday !
Happy birthday to you!
happy birthday dear daddy..
happy birthday to YOU!

Love
Your shattered daughter!

Feeling Blue...

Feels like I have fallen in a pit,
being swirled by darkness around me,
its closing up my vision,
am choking, am suffocating,
am so vulnerable, am helpless,
its scaring me, beyond my wildest imaginations!
Not a hand to help!
Not a soul to listen to ma pleas....

I fear my unknown destination,
I fear for my loved ones,
I fear Death, I fear Life!
Fear is my biggest Fear right now,
what am i fearing?
I cry out LOUD!
YET, Not a hand to help,
Not a soul to hear my pleas...

As am entering this black hole,
ma heart feels fainter,
ma screams echo all around me,
All i see is darkness,
All i feel is Darkness,
The cold wind swarms around me,
sending deep shivers all over me
I feel colder and colder..
Yet Not a hand to help,
Not a soul to listen to ma pleas...

Ma voice is way fainter now,
ma eyes have given up the search
Ma heart does not care anymore,
Ma body is too weak to move
All i know is..
am surrounded by darkness,
am shivering, whimpering and weak
And still yet, not a hand to help
Not a soul to hear my pleas...



Am feeling Blue ! :'(

Bitter Sweet memories of a lost soul!!

This is dedicated to ma EX, who obviously wont read it , but since I have been messing around a lot on ma life, I have realized, he is worth way more! and dis is a dedication to the beautiful relationship we shared for five years !!



Why did you hold my hand?
To let it go?
Why did you Kiss me?
To mock my memories now?
Why did you like me?
To leave me alone?
Why did you have to make me feel special?
To let me down?
Why did you have to be there for me?
To let me repent every single moment?
Why did you have to wipe my tears?
To let me cry everyday?
Why did you have to share with me?
To make me feel lost?
Why did you have to love me
To let me go and walk away?

You have walked far far away,
You are beyond my reach,
All i can see are your tracks,
All i have are the bitter sweet memories!!

I loved you more than I could,
I loved you beyond expectations,
Only to taste the bitter words??
Only to realize you are gone forever??

I loved your crooked smile,
when you tried to surprise me...
I loved your eyes,
when it used to twinkle with mischief..
I loved your heart,
when it opened up for me...
I loved the way you talk,
when it always made me feel gay...
I loved your walk,
when you didn't realize i was watching you...
I loved your Love
when it was just for me...
I loved you !! even,
when you did not love me back!

Now we speak, like total strangers..
I still Love you!
Now I have more friends than i used to have..
I still love you..
Now i have the independence, I always wished for
I still Love you!
Now i have anything I could ask for ...
But I still love you
Now I don't have you!
I am lost!
I love you!!

A heartfelt talk with my dad :'(

I cant believe it has been a year!! Whoever said "Time Heals' does not know you as a person. When you left, you have left such a deep scar in my heart that it can never heal. Am taking this hopeless feeling to my grave. Why did god have to make you such a wonderful person and why does he have to take you away before i realize your love , your tenderness, your sacrifice? I have million questions , with no answers. There has not been a day in the past 365 days, where I have not felt an immense loss!! It keeps hurting me to know that , I cant see you , I cant feel you , I cant hear you , I cant have you comfort me , I cant have you scold me , I cant have you teach me , worst of all , I cant Love you !!! You gave so much Love and never expected anything back. Why could have god not made me realize how precious you were? Why did he rudely snatch you away from me, when I began to realize how much I love you ? Why can I not have the simple pleasures of a family ??? :| I am moving on ...I am finding things to distract myself, but it hasn't worked. Every night i feel the pain you felt , i feel the fear you had when you knew you were going to die. I am 23 now, a lot changed as a person, but I have lost the innocence , i have lost being "daddy's lil gurl" In the past year, I have realized how people treat you differently, how people try to meddle in every part of your life .so I have lost ma senses to feel. I dont care about MYSELF anymore.WHat is there to care about? All the people who swore that they would stay with me, are fast fading!! I have learnt the hard way, as to how you made ma life so easy. Now taking everything in, handling a family is not so easy. I have become responsible. Hope you are proud of dat.

The past one year, has shown me the real faces of people name it cousins, friends or anyone ,I interact with. I ask myself everyday after every simple accomplishment i have made.... Where are you to praise me? You praised me when i made coffee for the first time when i was 21!!!!! , You praised me when i merely passed in ma exams, You made me feel loved and cherished, and now you have left , I am wondering will anyone ever recognize me as an individual with feelings and appreciate me ? How could have all this happened ?!?! I love you so much , I really do , M sorry for not having showed you my LOVE, am sorry for being self obsessed, am sorry for talking back for every advice u gave me , am sorry for not listening to you. But are you there to listen to me ? NO !!! ...I can never forget your every act of love. You were the one who stood with me through all my downs. I have been a thoroughly selfish , immature daughter , yet did u cease to love me ??? I couldn't have asked for a better person as ma Father. All around me , I c ppl happy in all ways of life , here m struggling to survive... I now ask with tons of regret WHY ME ?!?! O GOD PLEASE WHY ME?!?! ....I am unable to bear the loss. I am unable to think , feel normally . Why can't I be myself?!!? I just wish , I could also have come with you! I have had enough of life and its ways , I have given up. My strength fails me , Your advices fail me , I have failed miserably in my chapter of life. I yearn for love , Am insecure ...When did i turn so desperate , pathetic?!?! IF only you knew , how much this has taken a toll on me . but if u knew, u wud nt have left me d way I am!!!

I salute you for being the best son, uncle, father and husband!!

You are the greatest person in the world to me!! Your loss is something which can never be replaced. I Just want you to know, Your daughter is a matured responsible gal today, who can cook, who works, who takes family responsibilities, who is taking care of your wife (as u asked for) , who is trying to make everyone happy, who wants to be like you!!

Dad I love you , so much dat it hurts to think about you...I know u made me strong enough to face all of lifes unexpected suprise!! But I am failing miserably after this year. I thought i could move on, I thought I can do it, but please make some one understand , that am a human being after all. I cant cry in front of people, or talk about my problems!! is that so wrong ?? All am asking from you, if at all you can hear me is some LOVE, I feel so lost without it.I am unable to move on . I cant ask mom , she will feel so bad, i dont want to make her cry !!! Help me , guide me as you have always done. I dont want to fail , i want to stand proud in front of so many people. show them that I am a survivor!!

Words fail me , when i Talk about you.

Ohh what will I not give for a chance to talk to you ??


you did not deserve all the pain you went through. you did not deserve the deathly disease. You are a GOOD person. God is unfair , LIfe is unfair. I only hope that your soul rests in peace. Be happy and peaceful wherever you are !! Don't come bak to this selfish and fucked up world !! All am asking is for you to gimme the strength to survive!!

I LOVE U<3 I MISS U<3

Rest in Peace!!!!!!!!!

Dad I Love You!!

I had written this poem , a week before ma dad passed away and haven't posted it..now i thot i cud post it , this is d 3rd poem, i have written in ma life :)




DAD I LOVE YOU!


When I was a kid..
Yu held my hand,
and showed me the meaning of love..!

When I was 10 ..
Yu took me to the park ,
and showed me the meaning of fun..!

When I was in school .
Yu made me read ..
And showed me the meaning of knowledge..!

When I was in my teens…
Yu were reluctant to let me go,
And showed me how to enjoy my life in a harmless way..!

When I was in college..
Yu let me free,
And showed me the world outside..!

When I was 20..
Yu were not happy with my ways in many ways
But you showed me how important it was to let me go when I am older.

When I am 21
I realize how special you are
But cruel fate seems to be teaching me to let you go ..:(

Now am 22
And have realized how special your life was to me
All my life I can not get a dad better than you..!

You gave me everything I needed
At all stages of my life,
Love , materialistic things
More than you could
But fate has made me realize about YOU only now


You gave me life ;
and it kills me to see yours at stake...

You made me walk
Now it kills me to see that you can’t

You made me sleep
And it kills me to see that you can’t

You were , are and will be everything to me
But I feel numb with pain when I see you so helpless

I pray all the gods above
To give me back my precious DAD

I cant ask for anything more precious EVER !!

2007 - D year I turned into an Adult!

Well it's been really long since i have posted ...more than one year !!

I decided to write something and update this blog ...but don't have any topic in my mind . I have started a blog to record my daily happenings ...u can find that blog here http://senoinhyd.blogspot.com

But what about this one ?? ..Let me write about my life in 2007 !!

2007 truly turned out to be the worst year in my life ...I Guess there were very few ups and hell lot of downs .But 2007 has made me learn too many things too fast .By the end of 2007 i was made to realize that I am not a kid anymore and I can never be "DADDY"S LITTLE GIRL " anymore :|

The first half of 2007 was kind of okay ...I was making all plans to do my MS ...and preparing for GRE and stuff ....little did I know that fate was going to rudely interrupt my plans for my life FOREVER!

My Most awaited day was my Parents 25th Wedding Anniversary on JULY 08 ...It was going to be a very special day for all of us in the family. But Appa's health started to deteriorate , in a very unexpected and sudden way . He lost his appetite , and did not look good . I and my Dad both are adamant about not going to a doctor , so he protested a lot and kept postponing his trips to the doctor . July 08 came and he was hardly able to eat 1 cup of rice , when we went to celebrate .

So things started getting bad ...and we slowly but steadily forced him to a doctor and the doctor wanted to take a biopsy ...me being the jerk i was ...did not realize the seriousness of the situation and kept fighting with my Dad for this and that . Till date or rather till i die i am going to feel bad about it .Then September 05 Teachers day for all of you but mine I grew up to be an adult ...There came the biopsy report and it clearly stated adeno carcinoma grade III ...well i was puzzled too what the hell was adeno carcinoma ? It turned out to be the Third stage of Stomach cancer ... It came as a rude shock to me . I went to collect the report ...I was shocked ...I could not go home , could not face my dad ? what am i supposed to do now ? I cried all the way to my house and then pretended to have a brave face and entered my house ... I told my dad that it was cancer but very early stages to make him feel brave (when did this change happen ? How come I am trying to protect him rather than vice versa ? ) Have i really grown up ? But this was just the smallest initial blow ..the next week i went to Adayar cancer Institute and there they refused to operate him saying he had only 2 months to Live ...Our family went crazy ...Jus 2 months My parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary and the doctors say he has just 2 more months to live ? 60 days ? really ?

The worst thing you can face in life is slowly seeing the person you love die in front of your eyes , My dad who was everything to me , who made my life easier for me ..crumbled down to pieces ...he was no more the person i Knew ...More than us he was trying to accept the fact that he was going to die ? why would some oner have to have such a cruel fate ? My dad of all people does not deserve it ...Damn all the gods ...They don't deserve the respect people give them ...at least I am sure i won't respect any god ever .. My belief has been shattered !

And the worst is yet to be over ...I saw his last breath and he died in my lap :|
with 2 months of blood vomit ..we all knew the ed is coming but not s tragically ...till date i have nightmares and i have the death scene repeating all over itself. It is not enough that he has to die but he has to die a tragic death ?

And then I realized even if I don't want to I have to become an adult ....I can never recover over his death but writing about it makes me cry and release the buried emotions ...so I have written this blog to get some peace ....I moved away from chennai as chennai brings awful memories nowadays but in hyd i feel lonely ...maybe my life is always meant to be a miserable one (?)


APpa I miss you terribly and love u more than u have ever thot..! I miss sharing good things with u and i miss u so much ...i have turned into a diff person ...I don't like to Live life anymore ...But Sadly I have grown up w/o u seeing it ! I LOVE U !