Sunday, November 23, 2008

A heartfelt talk with my dad :'(

I cant believe it has been a year!! Whoever said "Time Heals' does not know you as a person. When you left, you have left such a deep scar in my heart that it can never heal. Am taking this hopeless feeling to my grave. Why did god have to make you such a wonderful person and why does he have to take you away before i realize your love , your tenderness, your sacrifice? I have million questions , with no answers. There has not been a day in the past 365 days, where I have not felt an immense loss!! It keeps hurting me to know that , I cant see you , I cant feel you , I cant hear you , I cant have you comfort me , I cant have you scold me , I cant have you teach me , worst of all , I cant Love you !!! You gave so much Love and never expected anything back. Why could have god not made me realize how precious you were? Why did he rudely snatch you away from me, when I began to realize how much I love you ? Why can I not have the simple pleasures of a family ??? :| I am moving on ...I am finding things to distract myself, but it hasn't worked. Every night i feel the pain you felt , i feel the fear you had when you knew you were going to die. I am 23 now, a lot changed as a person, but I have lost the innocence , i have lost being "daddy's lil gurl" In the past year, I have realized how people treat you differently, how people try to meddle in every part of your life .so I have lost ma senses to feel. I dont care about MYSELF anymore.WHat is there to care about? All the people who swore that they would stay with me, are fast fading!! I have learnt the hard way, as to how you made ma life so easy. Now taking everything in, handling a family is not so easy. I have become responsible. Hope you are proud of dat.

The past one year, has shown me the real faces of people name it cousins, friends or anyone ,I interact with. I ask myself everyday after every simple accomplishment i have made.... Where are you to praise me? You praised me when i made coffee for the first time when i was 21!!!!! , You praised me when i merely passed in ma exams, You made me feel loved and cherished, and now you have left , I am wondering will anyone ever recognize me as an individual with feelings and appreciate me ? How could have all this happened ?!?! I love you so much , I really do , M sorry for not having showed you my LOVE, am sorry for being self obsessed, am sorry for talking back for every advice u gave me , am sorry for not listening to you. But are you there to listen to me ? NO !!! ...I can never forget your every act of love. You were the one who stood with me through all my downs. I have been a thoroughly selfish , immature daughter , yet did u cease to love me ??? I couldn't have asked for a better person as ma Father. All around me , I c ppl happy in all ways of life , here m struggling to survive... I now ask with tons of regret WHY ME ?!?! O GOD PLEASE WHY ME?!?! ....I am unable to bear the loss. I am unable to think , feel normally . Why can't I be myself?!!? I just wish , I could also have come with you! I have had enough of life and its ways , I have given up. My strength fails me , Your advices fail me , I have failed miserably in my chapter of life. I yearn for love , Am insecure ...When did i turn so desperate , pathetic?!?! IF only you knew , how much this has taken a toll on me . but if u knew, u wud nt have left me d way I am!!!

I salute you for being the best son, uncle, father and husband!!

You are the greatest person in the world to me!! Your loss is something which can never be replaced. I Just want you to know, Your daughter is a matured responsible gal today, who can cook, who works, who takes family responsibilities, who is taking care of your wife (as u asked for) , who is trying to make everyone happy, who wants to be like you!!

Dad I love you , so much dat it hurts to think about you...I know u made me strong enough to face all of lifes unexpected suprise!! But I am failing miserably after this year. I thought i could move on, I thought I can do it, but please make some one understand , that am a human being after all. I cant cry in front of people, or talk about my problems!! is that so wrong ?? All am asking from you, if at all you can hear me is some LOVE, I feel so lost without it.I am unable to move on . I cant ask mom , she will feel so bad, i dont want to make her cry !!! Help me , guide me as you have always done. I dont want to fail , i want to stand proud in front of so many people. show them that I am a survivor!!

Words fail me , when i Talk about you.

Ohh what will I not give for a chance to talk to you ??

you did not deserve all the pain you went through. you did not deserve the deathly disease. You are a GOOD person. God is unfair , LIfe is unfair. I only hope that your soul rests in peace. Be happy and peaceful wherever you are !! Don't come bak to this selfish and fucked up world !! All am asking is for you to gimme the strength to survive!!


Rest in Peace!!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. very touching pos.. i had same thoughts after i lost my dad.. it was terrible.. there is no single day i have not missed him since then... i can empathis with u coz i have been through all this..
    u have written all the things i always wanted to write but coulnt find words to pen them down.. nice blog keep writing..



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