She sat looking at the older woman, in the couch which had seen better years. There was a coffee stain at one edge which appeared fainter but bigger due to the attempts of cleaning, there was a few stitches cleverly crafted in the cushions to make it look like designs rather than torn out parts. She remembered the day it was brought, it was on her 9th birthday. It looked so new and shiny. It could accommodate the constant praises of all people and the weight which it bore gracefully. She could now this second, relate the couch to the older woman, who had been as graceful years back. Now there were lines on her near perfect face. There were scars which could never be healed in her mind. Yet, she was always ready to give and share. Her love astonished her.
Now as she sat there thinking, how is she going to reveal herself of the pain. She knew talking to her would help. But if there was something eating her mind, she knew her MOM would be glad to hear and sort it for her. But this was terrible. Every living second she was being eaten by millions of cells. It was not the Physical pain of the disease but the mental agony of the news she received which had shattered her. The reports declared adinoma carcinoma. And her life had changed that day. Now she wanted to reach out to the older woman and hug her. Will the pain go away?
Hey guys, this is my first attempt at Fiction. Please let me know how I can improvise?
Wow I mean I’m no expert here but WOW
ReplyDeleteI hope there is a part two to it
Thanks for the comment :)...This is my first attempt so will try to get a part 2 rolling in :)
ReplyDeleteNice analogy! But I guess it can't end here? Too short for agripping story right?? :D
ReplyDeletebtw, one minor mistake,
"How is she going to reveal herself of the pain" should be "relieve herself" right??
Ash D!
ReplyDelete_ Thanks for the comment. It is not the end, but kind of leaves you wondering what happens. I will improvise on that and the Spelling mistake *sheepish grin*
I appreciate your honest opinion very much !
Beautiful juxstaposition. The couch and the each of the ladies in the story. Terribly sad, and it was achieved with a beautiful subtlety. I look forward to more 'fiction'!
ReplyDelete-Furi
Hey El Furibundo - Thanks for the comments. It really Inspires me to write more :)
ReplyDeleteHi there... WOWWW !!!! Beautifully done. The idea is Really good !! And yes, you have a Lot of potential. Though you have made a few grammatical errors and also used a few words wrongly. Some of the corrections would be " brought " should be bought. " accommodate " should be replaced by another word saying that it was deserving of it. reveal should be relieve and " in the couch " should be " on the couch. "
ReplyDeletePlease don't mind. You asked so I'm letting you know. I hope you'll return the favor by commenting truthfully on my blogs too . :)
Adisha...thanks a lot! i really do need people to point out my mistakes so that I can improve on myself. And I am glad you did it honestly. I can assure you of a better Fiction next time, now that am learning my mistakes ;-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment!:)
Most welcome dear :) I am relieved that you took it in the right spirit !! After all, most of us are here to help each other become better writers and people ... Thanks for visitng my blog :) Hope to see more of you around ... Please check out the story blog too .. Would love to hear your take on it ! THanks
ReplyDeleteI'm v much jealous of you... You have wonderful bloggy friends hu is ther to support and correct!!
ReplyDelete:)
full mark on your attempt!!
"Now she wanted to reach out to the older woman and hug her. Will the pain go away?"
-Good finish!!
Let this finish be a new strat to your blogging..
cheers!! :)
Adisha - I did visit your blog and found it very interesting. I will hop on to your blog whenever I can :)
ReplyDeleteSajit - Thanks for the comments. And yes am grateful to the people who are trying to mold me into a better writer :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the lovely comment, am honored :)
Beautifully done.Waiting for the next
ReplyDeleteHey, Nice Blog. You should participate in the Orangy Pen Competition. The flair and calibre you have, I am sure, you shall surely do great.
ReplyDeleteTake a Challenge of Writing and Test Your Skills
The Orangy Pen competition
I appreciate your fiction here. But may i tell you that the description in the middle made the story little slow.
ReplyDeletethat's naaaaaaaaaice. I like the intricate details :D
ReplyDelete