shattered :'(

O dearest daddy,
words cant express how much
I am missing you right now.
I don't know what am doing,
I don't know why am blogging.
all I know is am dead inside.

I am cranky, moody and sad,
if only you were near me,
If only I could hear you speak,
If only I could feel your presence,
O my! what a Life am I leading?


why cant i feel happiness?
why do i feel so numb?
what did I ever do so bad?
for the pain that pierces me!
am shattered ,
I miss you like crazy!

Why me? why me? why me?
why did you leave me?
to know what this f*ked up life is all about?
I have learnt enough,
I have ached enough
come and show me how to be gay
I have lost hope in everything
the future seems bleak
I have no one to my aid,
O daddy dearest I love you!

I have had enough,
I lost you,
I lost my relationship,
I lost my happy family,
I have lost faith in myself!
Oh please take me away from my miseries,
take me away from this pain..

Happy birthday !
Happy birthday to you!
happy birthday dear daddy..
happy birthday to YOU!

Love
Your shattered daughter!

A heartfelt talk with my dad :'(

I cant believe it has been a year!! Whoever said "Time Heals' does not know you as a person. When you left, you have left such a deep scar in my heart that it can never heal. Am taking this hopeless feeling to my grave. Why did god have to make you such a wonderful person and why does he have to take you away before i realize your love , your tenderness, your sacrifice? I have million questions , with no answers. There has not been a day in the past 365 days, where I have not felt an immense loss!! It keeps hurting me to know that , I cant see you , I cant feel you , I cant hear you , I cant have you comfort me , I cant have you scold me , I cant have you teach me , worst of all , I cant Love you !!! You gave so much Love and never expected anything back. Why could have god not made me realize how precious you were? Why did he rudely snatch you away from me, when I began to realize how much I love you ? Why can I not have the simple pleasures of a family ??? :| I am moving on ...I am finding things to distract myself, but it hasn't worked. Every night i feel the pain you felt , i feel the fear you had when you knew you were going to die. I am 23 now, a lot changed as a person, but I have lost the innocence , i have lost being "daddy's lil gurl" In the past year, I have realized how people treat you differently, how people try to meddle in every part of your life .so I have lost ma senses to feel. I dont care about MYSELF anymore.WHat is there to care about? All the people who swore that they would stay with me, are fast fading!! I have learnt the hard way, as to how you made ma life so easy. Now taking everything in, handling a family is not so easy. I have become responsible. Hope you are proud of dat.

The past one year, has shown me the real faces of people name it cousins, friends or anyone ,I interact with. I ask myself everyday after every simple accomplishment i have made.... Where are you to praise me? You praised me when i made coffee for the first time when i was 21!!!!! , You praised me when i merely passed in ma exams, You made me feel loved and cherished, and now you have left , I am wondering will anyone ever recognize me as an individual with feelings and appreciate me ? How could have all this happened ?!?! I love you so much , I really do , M sorry for not having showed you my LOVE, am sorry for being self obsessed, am sorry for talking back for every advice u gave me , am sorry for not listening to you. But are you there to listen to me ? NO !!! ...I can never forget your every act of love. You were the one who stood with me through all my downs. I have been a thoroughly selfish , immature daughter , yet did u cease to love me ??? I couldn't have asked for a better person as ma Father. All around me , I c ppl happy in all ways of life , here m struggling to survive... I now ask with tons of regret WHY ME ?!?! O GOD PLEASE WHY ME?!?! ....I am unable to bear the loss. I am unable to think , feel normally . Why can't I be myself?!!? I just wish , I could also have come with you! I have had enough of life and its ways , I have given up. My strength fails me , Your advices fail me , I have failed miserably in my chapter of life. I yearn for love , Am insecure ...When did i turn so desperate , pathetic?!?! IF only you knew , how much this has taken a toll on me . but if u knew, u wud nt have left me d way I am!!!

I salute you for being the best son, uncle, father and husband!!

You are the greatest person in the world to me!! Your loss is something which can never be replaced. I Just want you to know, Your daughter is a matured responsible gal today, who can cook, who works, who takes family responsibilities, who is taking care of your wife (as u asked for) , who is trying to make everyone happy, who wants to be like you!!

Dad I love you , so much dat it hurts to think about you...I know u made me strong enough to face all of lifes unexpected suprise!! But I am failing miserably after this year. I thought i could move on, I thought I can do it, but please make some one understand , that am a human being after all. I cant cry in front of people, or talk about my problems!! is that so wrong ?? All am asking from you, if at all you can hear me is some LOVE, I feel so lost without it.I am unable to move on . I cant ask mom , she will feel so bad, i dont want to make her cry !!! Help me , guide me as you have always done. I dont want to fail , i want to stand proud in front of so many people. show them that I am a survivor!!

Words fail me , when i Talk about you.

Ohh what will I not give for a chance to talk to you ??


you did not deserve all the pain you went through. you did not deserve the deathly disease. You are a GOOD person. God is unfair , LIfe is unfair. I only hope that your soul rests in peace. Be happy and peaceful wherever you are !! Don't come bak to this selfish and fucked up world !! All am asking is for you to gimme the strength to survive!!

I LOVE U<3 I MISS U<3

Rest in Peace!!!!!!!!!

Dad I Love You!!

I had written this poem , a week before ma dad passed away and haven't posted it..now i thot i cud post it , this is d 3rd poem, i have written in ma life :)




DAD I LOVE YOU!


When I was a kid..
Yu held my hand,
and showed me the meaning of love..!

When I was 10 ..
Yu took me to the park ,
and showed me the meaning of fun..!

When I was in school .
Yu made me read ..
And showed me the meaning of knowledge..!

When I was in my teens…
Yu were reluctant to let me go,
And showed me how to enjoy my life in a harmless way..!

When I was in college..
Yu let me free,
And showed me the world outside..!

When I was 20..
Yu were not happy with my ways in many ways
But you showed me how important it was to let me go when I am older.

When I am 21
I realize how special you are
But cruel fate seems to be teaching me to let you go ..:(

Now am 22
And have realized how special your life was to me
All my life I can not get a dad better than you..!

You gave me everything I needed
At all stages of my life,
Love , materialistic things
More than you could
But fate has made me realize about YOU only now


You gave me life ;
and it kills me to see yours at stake...

You made me walk
Now it kills me to see that you can’t

You made me sleep
And it kills me to see that you can’t

You were , are and will be everything to me
But I feel numb with pain when I see you so helpless

I pray all the gods above
To give me back my precious DAD

I cant ask for anything more precious EVER !!

2007 - D year I turned into an Adult!

Well it's been really long since i have posted ...more than one year !!

I decided to write something and update this blog ...but don't have any topic in my mind . I have started a blog to record my daily happenings ...u can find that blog here http://senoinhyd.blogspot.com

But what about this one ?? ..Let me write about my life in 2007 !!

2007 truly turned out to be the worst year in my life ...I Guess there were very few ups and hell lot of downs .But 2007 has made me learn too many things too fast .By the end of 2007 i was made to realize that I am not a kid anymore and I can never be "DADDY"S LITTLE GIRL " anymore :|

The first half of 2007 was kind of okay ...I was making all plans to do my MS ...and preparing for GRE and stuff ....little did I know that fate was going to rudely interrupt my plans for my life FOREVER!

My Most awaited day was my Parents 25th Wedding Anniversary on JULY 08 ...It was going to be a very special day for all of us in the family. But Appa's health started to deteriorate , in a very unexpected and sudden way . He lost his appetite , and did not look good . I and my Dad both are adamant about not going to a doctor , so he protested a lot and kept postponing his trips to the doctor . July 08 came and he was hardly able to eat 1 cup of rice , when we went to celebrate .

So things started getting bad ...and we slowly but steadily forced him to a doctor and the doctor wanted to take a biopsy ...me being the jerk i was ...did not realize the seriousness of the situation and kept fighting with my Dad for this and that . Till date or rather till i die i am going to feel bad about it .Then September 05 Teachers day for all of you but mine I grew up to be an adult ...There came the biopsy report and it clearly stated adeno carcinoma grade III ...well i was puzzled too what the hell was adeno carcinoma ? It turned out to be the Third stage of Stomach cancer ... It came as a rude shock to me . I went to collect the report ...I was shocked ...I could not go home , could not face my dad ? what am i supposed to do now ? I cried all the way to my house and then pretended to have a brave face and entered my house ... I told my dad that it was cancer but very early stages to make him feel brave (when did this change happen ? How come I am trying to protect him rather than vice versa ? ) Have i really grown up ? But this was just the smallest initial blow ..the next week i went to Adayar cancer Institute and there they refused to operate him saying he had only 2 months to Live ...Our family went crazy ...Jus 2 months My parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary and the doctors say he has just 2 more months to live ? 60 days ? really ?

The worst thing you can face in life is slowly seeing the person you love die in front of your eyes , My dad who was everything to me , who made my life easier for me ..crumbled down to pieces ...he was no more the person i Knew ...More than us he was trying to accept the fact that he was going to die ? why would some oner have to have such a cruel fate ? My dad of all people does not deserve it ...Damn all the gods ...They don't deserve the respect people give them ...at least I am sure i won't respect any god ever .. My belief has been shattered !

And the worst is yet to be over ...I saw his last breath and he died in my lap :|
with 2 months of blood vomit ..we all knew the ed is coming but not s tragically ...till date i have nightmares and i have the death scene repeating all over itself. It is not enough that he has to die but he has to die a tragic death ?

And then I realized even if I don't want to I have to become an adult ....I can never recover over his death but writing about it makes me cry and release the buried emotions ...so I have written this blog to get some peace ....I moved away from chennai as chennai brings awful memories nowadays but in hyd i feel lonely ...maybe my life is always meant to be a miserable one (?)


APpa I miss you terribly and love u more than u have ever thot..! I miss sharing good things with u and i miss u so much ...i have turned into a diff person ...I don't like to Live life anymore ...But Sadly I have grown up w/o u seeing it ! I LOVE U !